I know wayyy too many people who can’t stand a serious chunk of their social circle. I wonder if the only reason they continue to be friends with their friends is to have friends?

Perhaps they maintain friends for optics. They see friends as a conduit to status: how else do you get invited to parties? Or accessories: who else is gonna fill out your bridal party? Or maybe friends keep loserdom at bay (your mailman will judge you if you don’t receive any holiday cards).

friendship is a necessary nutrient

People who despise their friends yet continue to socialize with them are baffling because friendship is my primary source of joy. I rely on my friends to keep my life from feeling like drudgery. (I am a joyless, deeply discontent person aka a writer -- writing brings me meaning and fulfillment, not happiness.)

true friendship is taking selfies in the club bathroom while he pees

The peak of my March one of those special nights where you think, This is what life's all about. I was with an old friend (9 yrs friendship**), a newer friend (2 yrs friendship**), and a new friend (<1 year**). New didn’t know Old or Newer. Old&Newer are old friends themselves (that’s how I met Newer). I had no idea how the chemistry would shake out, but it was superb.

** I’m cracking up at typing the # of years I’ve known someone as if it’s their credentials. Sanibel (Penn, 10 yrs friendship). This feels like something that would go on a bridezilla’s wedding planner’s clipboard (“falling out in 2009, friendship re-established 2013 after intervention”).

Conversation 10/10

The socializing at that March dinner was so good that when I got home, I felt like I had accomplished something. The evening was gratifying akin to finishing a challenging book.

It’s impossible to capture this feeling without sounding cheesy: it’s when you’re in a cab going home and you’re so happy that it transforms into gratitude (which never lasts) and you’re like, Life is amazing. What an honor to exist. (It's the type of friendship Stegner paean-ed in Crossing to Safety.)

So why do so many people hate their friends?

The problem is accepting that social life plateaus as you get older. It’s normalized to resent your friends, and for friendship to become a chore. I’ve gotta see xyz person, ugh. Or so-and-so just asked me to get coffee 🙄. Part of the chore-like feeling, imo, is the bias toward old (as in, long duration) friendships. It’s seen as disloyal and ungrateful to end these. Which means many people are keeping friends out of inertia. Or nostalgia.

Nostalgia friendships

“What’s wrong with nostalgia?" was this woman’s comment on my tiktok about friendships that are dragging the bedraggled corpse of “we’ve been friends for 20 years,” death rattle, behind them.

If my friend were to say, “ours is a nostalgia friendship,” I would be deeply offended. This means that the only thing tethering us is something ancient, like the fact that our dads were college roommates. Or we happened to be enrolled in the same ice-skating class at 6yo. Be more hateful, please.

My reply to the idiotic comment is: what’s wrong with doing anything out of inertia is that YOU HAVE FREE WILL. What's wrong with being passive and letting life wash over you? Everything is wrong with that.

Nota bene: Deep meaningful friendships formed over many years are the most valuable. Full stop. “Old friends” sounds like a slur 😓 but old friends are absolutely the best genre of friend. I am not disparaging them whatsoever.

There's a difference between having friends and having friendship

If you're deep in an unsatisfying-comfort-zone-malaise of friends -- it's been the same stale circle for decades, with undercurrents of animosity and tension, lots of prickliness -- it's very possible you have friends but not friendship.

my new theory

is that the healthiest social life is one that exists in many stages of friendship at once. Both in the sense of a mixture of young and old (duration of friendship) friendships and also a mixture of friends whom you can imagine getting close to, and others whom you are content to remain at acquaintance+ level with.

Diversify your friend portfolio.

Has your social life stagnated?

Most people hit a social plateau because there are no longer new infusions of friends. My last infusion was grad school, which was 9 years ago. My MFA friends are now my “old” friends.

Until last year, I only had old friends. Thanks to my book coming out last April, I got introduced to a bunch of authors who were also debuting, and for the first time since grad school, I got a new crop of friends. It felt like college orientation. Or summer camp.

New blood is fun

do you remember this maybe fake, definitely performative kourtney/addison rae friendship?

We went to each others' book launches and stayed out late gossiping about our pub sagas. I went to DC to guest teach a class for a new friend who’s a professor at GW. The shared experience of First Book provided a pretext for all these new friendships—but as the year came to a close I realized there'd be no more book launches, and I couldn’t help but wonder: Would my new friendships fade alongside my debut novel?😙

What I actually couldn’t help but wonder was how to orchestrate regular infusions of new friends into my life.

i feel like i'm arguing for an open relationship

It’s not that I want to cheat on my old friends or replace them – it’s about social complacency. Variety is what makes you appreciate anything (if you’ve ever been a spoiled rich brat on vacation, you know the hell of eating at fine dining restaurants back to back to back when all you want is lamyun or mcdonalds).

Hosting my Salon and meeting so many people has reminded me how fun it is to connect with someone anew. Making new friends uses similar muscles to dating. If you’re married AND you have an established friend group, those muscles are bound to weaken.

SRG Salon is the best friend-making vehicle I could've dreamt up

Ask me to RFK an ideal friendship pyramid: I'd design it to be 60% long term friends, 20% people that are most likely becoming long term friends, and 20% new/casual friends. Call me an ethical friendship slut.

BTW

This is not a rah-rah “put yourself out there and make new friends” self-help post (because if you wanted to you would). This is, instead, a year of realizing post about how I unconsciously, unthinkingly resigned myself to the notion that these 20-or-so-people are my friends *fixed mindset* and that is that. This finite group (of wonderful people) are mine to hold on to (or not) for the rest of my life, lest I become one of those people whose only friend is their spouse.

It's not true. Plateaus are not permanent. This is a philippic against inertia 😇

Good morning, mis internet amigxs!

It's finally here! Bien Leidos first annual Read-A-Thon weekend!

If you're on Bien Leidos Discord, just find the #Readathon channel. It has a cute pink flower emoji and is in the Bookish Discussions section.

Are you a Bien Leidos member who's NOT on Discord yet? Now is the perfect time to join!

If you haven't subscribed to Bien Leidos yet, now is the time! Subscribers at ALL MEMBERSHIP TIERS get access to Discord and the Readathon this weekend.

What is the Readathon? Well, quite simply, we'll be reading at home all weekend while chatting our current reads AND...competing for prizes!

Cole has put together bingo cards for the weekend and each day there will be 1 book winner each day and 1 mug/stickers (all pictured below) each day! So come for the readathon and stay for bookish chit chat!

We'd love to have you join Bien Leidos Discord! xo, Carmen

If you follow my blabbing on threads or know me personally, you’re probably aware I’ve been making a conscious effort to read/recommend books by authors who I genuinely respect.

This is really important to me and sometimes feels very challenging because I have strong convictions yet always want to give folks the benefit of the doubt. I feel so bummed out when I find out someone is not who I thought they were. But I guess that’s life. That’s social media and public platforms.

Here are 7 books by authors who I will always stand behind and 7 books by authors I will no longer be recommending (*weeps a little*).

If you have book recs by stand up authors (subjective, I know) I’m always looking for more! :)

Now for the discussion of the second section of Good People by Patmeena Sabit (Things Secret and Open, pages 91-192). I felt like this section really reminded me why I liked this book when I read the ARC in November and why I thought it would make for a great discussion.

That said, I also struggle to talk about this section. Some of you know that I spent my first 39 years in the evangelical church, where I was taught problematic beliefs about Islam. One of the common statements was how Islam is bad for women. I now see the irony of being taught this in a patriarchal institution that also perpetuated to harm women. All that to say, I feel it's important to focus on dismantling the patriarchy I participated in rather than pointing the finger at others. But I will also listen and amplify own voices of women in other patriarchal cultures.

The use of the title really struck me: "Good people, as soon as their daughters know right from left, teach them one thing: That a girl's reputation is like a cloth of pure white. The tiniest fleck of dirt--the tiniest fleck anywhere--and the whole thing is ruined." (p.139)

Sounds familiar.

So for some discussion questions:

• How have your thoughts of the Sharaf family changed with the additional commentary?

• How do you square the two very different perspectives on how Zorah was parented?

• Where do you think the story is going? What prejudices and/0r assumptions are leading you to think that?

It’s April. We’re 1/4 of the way through a four year life sentence, and this chaos fae is tired.

The Riven Altar by D. M. Randall sweetly calls my name from my Kindle Library… Building up my author account has been slow and clunky. So what else would I do when I have a mountain of ARCs giving me the side eye and responsibilities to other authors as an editor? Obviously ignore most of that and work on editing Bad Ends. What did you think I was going to say? Make a schedule and work through it systematically? Pffft. That’s not how I roll!

Then it popped into my head to share my editing process with y’all visually. If you would be interested in a more detailed description of how I edit/revise, make sure to let me know below or on the Discord. (Did you know we have a Discord? It’s quiet. Come make noise over there with me!)

—🩷 Emerson

Let's talk bookmarks! How do you mark the page? For me, I love using a standard bookmark. I have a big collection and I like to match my bookmark to the book I'm reading whether it be the theme of the book or its cover color.

1. Dog ear (or fold) 

2. A standard bookmark

3. Anything I can find (Receipt, paper, etc.)

4. Other (Let us know in the comments!) 

5. No preference 

What’s Your Bookish DNA? Decoding Your Reader Personality

We’ve all been there: staring at a bookshelf overflowing with unread stories, yet feeling like there’s nothing to read. Or perhaps you’re the type who has their entire reading calendar mapped out until 2027.

Understanding your Reader Type isn’t just a fun label it’s the secret to curing a reading slump and actually enjoying your hobby. So, which category do you fall into? Let’s break down the three most common profiles.

1. The Mood Reader 🌊

The Vibe: I don't choose the book; the book chooses me.

You don't care about schedules or hyped releases. You care about how you feel right now. If it’s raining, you want a gothic mystery. If you just finished a heavy literary drama, you might pivot immediately to a palate cleanser rom-com.

• The Struggle: You often have five half-finished books because your mood shifted mid-chapter.

• The Superpower: You rarely feel like reading is a chore because you’re always following your heart.

2. The TBR To-Be-Read Strategist 📋

The Vibe: The list is sacred.

You have a spreadsheet, a dedicated Goodreads shelf, or a physical stack of books that dictates your life. You likely participate in reading challenges like the 52 Books in a Year quest and feel a deep sense of dopamine when you check a title off the list.

• The Struggle: You might force yourself through a DNF candidate just because it’s next on the list.

• The Superpower: You are incredibly well-read and disciplined. You actually finish what you start.

3. The Seasonal Reader 🍂

The Vibe: Fantasy in winter, thrillers in summer.

Your reading habits are intrinsically tied to the world outside your window. October is strictly for horror and witches; July is for breezy beach reads and contemporary fiction. You treat books like a seasonal wardrobe.

• The Struggle: If a book doesn't fit the aesthetic of the current month, it stays on the shelf for another year.

• The Superpower: Your reading experience is immersive. You’ve mastered the art of atmosphere.

The Quick Quiz: Which One Are You?

Answer these three questions to find your match:

1. You’re at a bookstore. How do you pick your next purchase?

   • A) Whatever cover speaks to my soul in this exact moment.

   • B) I have a pre-written list of 10 titles I’m allowed to buy.

   • C) Whatever looks like it would be perfect to read by a fireplace/at the pool.

2. How do you feel about DNF-ing a book?

   • A) If I'm not feeling it after ten pages, I'm out.

   • B) I hate it. It feels like failing a mission.

   • C) I’ll put it down, but I might pick it back up when the weather changes.

3. Your friend asks what you’re reading next month. You say:

   • A) "No idea. Ask me in a month."

   • B) "The third book in my historical fiction sequence."

   • C) "It’s spring, so obviously something with flowers on the cover."

Results:

• Mostly As: You’re a Mood Reader. Embrace the chaos!

• Mostly Bs: You’re a TBR Strategist. Your organization is enviable.

• Mostly Cs: You’re a Seasonal Reader. Enjoy the vibes.

The Golden Rule: There is no wrong way to read. Whether you read one book a year based on the moon phases or sixty books a year based on a rigid checklist, the goal is the same: to get lost in a good story.

Which reader type are you, or do you find yourself being a hybrid of two?

Hello, all!

We finally received our approval for the Assumed Business Name for our sole proprietorship from the Cook County Clerk's office! It's in the mail, but I got the approval email.

Thank you all so much for helping us get this far--next stop is the registering of the LLC!

Something I'd like to post more of on our bookstore social media accounts are recommendation videos for our favorite (insert trope or genre). Is that something you'd all like to see?

For instance, a starter one would be "Ryn's Favorite Indigenous Horror" and it would be (let's be real) books like Indian Burial Ground by Nick Medina and The Buffalo Hunter Hunter by Stephen Graham Jones with White Horse by Erika T. Wurth thrown in as well!

Help out by filling out the poll on this post!

Hello loves! Today I want to share a "guest" post that felt really meaningful from our dear friend, Marines with MAREAS here on Bindery. Like many of us, Mari found herself in high emotion watching the space exploration news this week and her perspective of that experience touched me.

MAREAS is also releasing an incredible book this spring, Our Sister's Keeper. In this post, she shares some updates on that title and why this release is so meaningful. I thought you'd appreciate it as much as I did. Be sure to give Mari a follow and check out her Bindery, as well!

Love to you all!

xx, Meg

_____________________________________________________________________


Hi friends,

Last night, while cuddled up on my couch in my messy apartment, I cried watching a livestream.

The crying part is not super unusual for me, to be honest. I cry at commercials, at the endings of books, at strangers' reunion videos that the algorithm decides I need to see. I cry when I'm happy or sad or mad or frustrated or otherwise processing big emotions.

But anyway, the point is that last night, I was watching the Artemis II livestream, and I completely lost it the moment they came back around from the dark side of the moon and reestablished contact with Mission Control.

If you haven't been following along, there are human beings in space right now, and they have traveled further from Earth than any humans have ever been before. That's emotional enough, but they also keep saying things from up there about Earth and about humanity and about what it looks like to see this whole messy planet from that distance, and it's wrecking me.

You are special, in all this emptiness. This is a whole bunch of nothing, this thing we call the universe. You have this oasis, this beautiful place that we get to exist together.

There is something about watching humans do the audacious, watching them be collaborative and hopeful in the middle of everything that's happening down here. Call them the light and dark sides of the moon: what we are capable of when we try, and what we are capable of doing to each other when we decide some people don't deserve the oasis. The cost of all of that, too—who gets to explore, who funds it, and whether that is money well spent while other things burn. (That last argument always gets complicated when you look at what else the money is being spent on, but I digress.)

The last time I cried, before the astronauts, it was about Our Sister's Keeper by Jasmine Holmes, which just so happens to have some of these same themes.

Our Sister's Keeper is set in East Cobb, Mississippi, a wealthy all-Black free town, meant to be untouched by white oppression. Thea Elliot and her husband Kid arrive with big dreams and find something that looks, at first glance, like everything they could have hoped for. But the town is haunted by ghoulish, walking nightmares that only the women can see.

Marah is a carrier: a woman with the ability to pull traumatic memories directly from men. East Cobb has flourished because women like her make it possible for men to live free of their pain.

It is, I think, one of the most precise and devastating explorations of what community costs (and who pays) that I have ever read. It is also a love letter to sisterhood. It is about audacity and collaboration. Jasmine writes with such tenderness, even in the horror. Especially in the horror, actually.

And while its final pages did indeed make me cry, the last time I cried about OSK, it was because it became real that people would have it in their hands soon.

See, the thing about acquiring a book is that you fall in love with it mostly alone, and then you spend months holding it while you wait for the rest of the world to catch up.

Which brings me to the news: Our Sister's Keeper has been chosen for Aardvark's April box, which means you don't have to wait until the June 9th pub date. You can have it right now. And not just early; This is an exclusive hardcover edition, the only way to get this book in hardback.

Aardvark is a monthly subscription box. They do a genuinely fantastic job of curating a diverse list and are a blast to follow on social media. And if you are new to Aardvark, you can use my code MAREAS to get Our Sister's Keeper for $4 (in the US). It's an unmatched deal, truly, and I hope you take advantage of it!

Meanwhile, pictures are flooding in of people receiving their copies, and every single one makes me cry a little. (See above re: my whole thing with crying.)

If you've already gotten yours, I want to see it. Tag me. Show me where you're reading it—on your couch, on your commute, in a patch of sunlight on the floor. Show me the oasis you made for it.

And if you haven't yet: the code is MAREAS, the deal is $4, and the book is waiting for you.

Finally, if you see me around and I'm weepy, it's either about the astronauts or about this lovely reading community.

Thank you, always.

♥️

Marines

Here’s a sneak peak of my short story releasing in Of Plagues and Blasphemy: A Medieval Horror Anthology coming this May.

Preorder below! The book features several talented authors including Teagan Olivia King, Saratoga Schaefer, Julia Jackson, Briana Morgan, and more.

Here’s the first few paragraphs.

Friends, the goodies are here!

Our preorder campaign kicks off now!

I selected What Feeds Below as our first book because it’s unlike anything I’ve ever read.

Once you pick this book up, it’s almost impossible to put down. We’ve already hit over 200 reviews on Netgalley and still have a 5⭐️ rating, which is no easy feat! A recent review said WFB is like “a dark Indiana Jones!” If you’ve read it early on Netgalley and reviewed, thank you! Each and every one of you are responsible for this book’s success! Your support has meant everything!

There are well over 2,000 of you here now! 2,000 of you who support this imprint, our mission to publish diverse and underrepresented voices, our authors. If each and every one of you pre-ordered What Feeds Below right now, not only would you unlock ALL of the goodies (and Tatiana would get her pen!) but this book could get media attention (hype can lead to TV or Movie deals, video games!) , this book could hit a bestseller list! (And it deserves to!) Imagine, a book that was passed on by trad, hitting the list because readers banded together and were responsible for an indie published book hitting a bestseller list!

I know that asking people to spend money right now is a big ask, but if you can afford the $16, your early support could change the entire trajectory of this book, and in turn Tatiana’s career. I haven’t met anyone(outside of me lol) who hustles harder than Tatiana, and early support could impact her financial future.

Pre-ordering books is another way to be a good literary citizen.

Our short term goal is 1,000 preorders. We have a long way to go. Let’s work together to make What Feeds Below a huge success!

My bookshop link is support ling Quiet Quail Books this month, an Indigenous owned bookstore.

Every few months, a new conservative book influencer circulates the claim that romance novels, especially the “spicy” ones, are to blame for unrealistic expectations, dissatisfaction, and even the slow erosion of real relationships.

It sounds convincing. They pull information for a study here and a doctor there. They show a book in their post that looks like a valuable resource. But … it also falls apart under scrutiny.

There is no strong body of empirical research showing that reading erotic or sexually explicit romance harms relationships, and there is no strong body of evidence to show that pornography is an actual addiction. What does exist tells a different story, one grounded in therapy, sexual health research, and decades of work in bibliotherapy.

The panic says one thing, but the evidence says another.

There Is No Evidence That Romance Novels Damage Relationships

If erotic romance were actively harmful, you would expect to see consistent, peer-reviewed findings linking it to decreased relationship satisfaction or dysfunction.

That research does NOT exist.

Instead, what we have are cultural assumptions. Critics often rely on anecdotal claims or borrow concerns from adjacent research on pornography. Even in those areas, findings are mixed and shaped by context, communication, and individual biases.

Romance novels, specifically, remain largely unstudied in terms of harm. That absence matters. In research, lack of evidence is not proof of harm. It signals that a claim has not been demonstrated.

What the Research Actually Shows About Reading and Sexual Health

When researchers have studied reading in the context of sexual functioning, the results point in a different direction.

Bibliotherapy, the use of reading as a therapeutic tool, is already an established intervention in psychology. It is low-cost, accessible, and often used in sexual health treatment.

In a controlled study published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, researchers compared erotic fiction to sexual self-help reading for women experiencing low desire. Both groups showed measurable improvement.

Participants experienced “statistically significant gains” in desire, arousal, satisfaction, orgasm, and overall sexual functioning.

The findings weren't short-lived. Follow-up data showed that improvements were maintained over time, including increases in satisfaction and reductions in pain. 

Another study on bibliotherapy found that women who engaged in structured reading interventions showed “greater gains over time” in sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction compared to control groups. 

This isn't fringe research. It reflects a growing body of work showing that reading, including erotic material, can function as a legitimate intervention for sexual concerns.

Erotic Fiction Is Already Used in Clinical Practice

Therapists have been using erotic material for decades as part of treatment. I’ve been using it since I started private practice.

In fact, clinical literature notes that when addressing low sexual desire, “a significant number of clinicians include exercises designed to stimulate the erotic imagination,” often through reading. And in real therapy spaces, I have on occasion recommended a round or two of solo or partnered sex to my clients as “homework”.

That detail matters, not the homework, the other parts.

Erotic romance is not an outlier behavior that needs to be corrected. It's a tool already embedded in evidence-based approaches to sexual health.

Why This Works, From a Therapy Lens

When you look at this through a clinical framework, the benefits make sense.

Reading erotic romance creates space for exploration without pressure. It allows you to engage with desire privately, at your own pace, without performance anxiety.

It also gives language to something many people were never taught how to articulate.

Sexual script theory explains that people learn what sex is supposed to look like through narratives. For many, those narratives are limited, shame-based, or nonexistent. Erotic romance expands that range.

It introduces variation. It models communication. It normalizes desire.

For clients who struggle with shame, this matters. Shame reduction is strongly linked to improved sexual satisfaction and relational connection.

Reading also supports what therapists call arousal literacy. It helps people recognize what they respond to, what they enjoy, and what they want to communicate to a partner.

That kind of clarity strengthens relationships. It doesn’t weaken them.

The Relationship Impact Is Often Positive

The idea that erotic romance replaces real connection misinterprets how desire works.

Desire isn’t diminished by imagination. It’s often activated by it.

Research shows that sexual well-being is tied to overall relationship satisfaction. When desire, communication, and comfort increase, relationships tend to improve alongside them. 

Erotic reading supports that process in practical ways:

It gives couples something to talk about. It provides a shared reference point for fantasies and preferences. It reduces avoidance around sexual topics. It encourages curiosity rather than routine.

These are all markers of healthier relational dynamics, not signs of damage.

So, Why Does the Panic Persist?

The backlash against romance, especially romance written for and consumed by women, is not new.

Media that centers female desire often gets framed as excessive, unrealistic, or dangerous. The same concerns rarely appear with male-centered sexual media in the same way.

There’s also discomfort with the distinction between fantasy and expectation. Reading about something doesn’t mean demanding it in real life. People engage with fiction across genres without assuming it sets a standard for their lived experience. I mean, we aren’t jacking off minotaurs in real life, nor do any of us actually want to.

No one argues that crime novels create criminals. Romance, however, is treated differently.

That difference isn't rooted in evidence. It’s rooted in misogyny, patriarchy, and white supremacy.

What Actually Harms Relationships?

In therapy, the drivers of relationship strain are consistent.

• Communication breakdown.

• Unresolved conflict.

• Avoidance.

• Shame.

• Trauma.

Reading habits rarely show up on that list.

More often, reading becomes a resource. It helps clients reconnect with desire, understand themselves, and approach conversations with more clarity.

Erotic romance is not a threat to relationships. It is a tool. Like any tool, its impact depends on how it is used.

When approached with reflection, curiosity, and communication, it supports self-exploration and relational growth.

The research doesn't support the claim that it causes harm.

It does suggest that, for many people, it does the opposite.