Happy Monday! I read a lot last week, but felt mixed about most of it. Let's get into it. Books marked with an * were gifted to me.

Carl's Doomsday Scenario by Matt Dinniman - A reread for me. I got my spouse into this series via audiobook, so now we've been listening whenever we have a long car trip. I think this installment is one of the best of the series. The way the world unfolds and expands from the first book is really masterful. I'm also enjoying seeing how early Dinniman planted the seeds of things that become important in later books.

Acts Of Service by Lillian Fishman* - I don't think a book has ever so intensely tested my commitment to not hating on a book because you hate the characters. I HATED everyone in this book! I hated their actions, their rationalizations, their personalities. For most of it, though, I was compelled to keep listening just to find out how they would fuck things up even worse. This was my Spicy Book Club's pick this month and I can't wait to rage about it at our meeting later this week.

The Missed Connection by Tia Williams* - I love Williams' sharp banter and the way her FMCs always have something difficult central to their lives, whether that be trauma, chronic pain, etc. And I was very on board with the way this story and Sasha's potential love interests were unfolding. SPOILERS HERE!!!! This book totally lost me, though, when Sasha calls Wes in the middle of the night and turns it into nonconsensual phone sex. What?! No. The twist at the end felt kind of dumb to me, too.

Black Salt Queen by Samantha Bansil* - Fantasy duology inspired by Filipino mythology? Sign me up! I loved the world of this book and the people populating it. It's full of powerful, flawed women each clawing for power in their own ways. It dragged a bit in the middle for me - too much circling around the same conflicts without moving things forward. It ends on a great cliffhanger, though, and I'm looking forward to the sequel in October.

Lately I have been busy as hell with many things. Some of that has been reading, but a lot of it has been other stuff that is taking up more of my brain space than normal. With that in mind, I want to try writing instead of making videos for a while. Frankly, I have no interest in being on camera right now and I don't think I'd be the most compelling screen presence in this headspace, so might as well let my fingers do the talking for now.

Item #1: Some books that I have finished recently

Bindery (a wonderful indie publisher) sent me a big ol' box of books several months ago. This box contains their entire fall lineup of releases and is truly some of the coolest book mail I have ever received. Within the confines of that ox includes A Complement of Scoundrels by S.V. Lockwood. I liked it!

If you're into Mistborn or any other heist type fantasy book, you'll probably get some enjoyment out of this one. The general premise involves a group of magical misfits seeking revenge on their former master after a job gone bad. I didn't think the book was perfect, but the characters were fun to follow and it didn't feel like the book overstayed its welcome. There isn't any obvious sequel bait at the end of the book, but I could see myself picking up a second book in this series were it to happen. It is very readable, even if the prose isn't life changing. The way I'm writing about this makes it seem like I have more bad things to say about it than good things, but I promise you that it is a fun time.

I also finished the first book in the sequel series to Mistborn - The Alloy of Law. Same world, but a big jump in time forward. Think early Industrial Revolution. Lots off guns but with all the metal magic stuff. Honestly, I dug it a lot! It felt like Brandon Sanderson but at a much more appropriate page count. It also (according to him) serves almost as a prequel to the intended trilogy that follows. It felt brief and breezy and I had a lot of fun.

Item #2: What I am currently reading

I watched a documentary focused on the Colorado river recently. That has catapulted me back into my interest in the environment and sustainability. I borrowed a book on Libby called Under a White Sky by Elizabeth Kolbert which has been fascinating. She wrotea book called The Sixth Extinction. This book serves as a follow up to that, covering current environmental remediation efforts in a number of different places. So far it has covered people in the upper midwest dealing with an invasive Chinese carp population, and the city of New Orleans sinking into the fucking ground. Me and wifey intend to move overseas at some point, and since I already work in conservation, I'd like to get myself up to speed on current issues a little more, so this book has been great for that. It's also relatively short. Highly recommend.

I am also reading the second Mistborn sequel book, Shadows of Self. Not much to say there. Just more Mistborn. I like it when the metal guys go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-

I have a couple other Bindery books on my TBR that I need to get to soon, including What Feeds Below by Tatiana Schlote-Bonne and Strange Lights by Mira H. Gonzalez. I also have an ARC of the Legends and Lates short stories collection, Tales from the Territory by Travis Baldree. Those books are a grand old time so looking forward to that.

Item #3: Reading should be fun!

As a reviewer on a semi-professional level (I do get paid a wee smidge of money for my opinions every now and then), it can sometimes be a battle with myself to just read what sounds good opposed to reading for obligation's sake. There are plenty of trendy books that I could read in order to chase views and attention, but dammit! I just want to read my Murakami books! Leave me alone!

(side note - my wife is finally reading 1Q84 and is enjoying it!)

I have about 4 ARCs left that I have active obligations for. My HOPE is that I can get through those without requesting anything else and then just be a free elf for a while. The pile of books in our apartment has grown at an irresponsible rate in the past nine months, and boy do I have some reading to do. I cannot stress to you how much more fun it is to read when you're not on a schedule. I must retreat to the woods of my mind where it is safe and I have as much Crystal Light as I want!

Item #4: Movies

If you're not following me on Letterboxd, you can do so by clicking here.

Some recent flicks I thought were exceptional include Yi Yi (holy fucking shit that movie was amazing), Tony, Blue Heron, and SPIDAMAN.

Item #5: Buy a thing!

If you're so inclined, you can support the channel (and me as a person) by buying something from my Etsy store of from my Bandcamp page. Links are below. Go nuts!

ETSY

BANDCAMP

ANYWAY!

That's about it for today. Thanks as always for your attention to these matters. Stay safe out there. Watch your sodium!

Shawn

I'm a stay at home mom. I haven't acknowledged that in any of my previous posts on here or on social media really. At the end of my maternity leave in March, when my final decision was due, I felt bone deep certainty about my choice. That doesn't mean I feel comfortable explaining it to other people, though. 

When I'm trying to be succinct (which I rarely succeed at), I explain that this decision makes financial and logistical sense to my family. And it does. And also, I believe I could not invest in writing the way I want to if I were a working mom, at least not with the 9 to 5 I had. Do my writing aspirations make financial and logistical sense for my family? No, but they matter to me and, fortunately, to my partner. 

I'm still figuring out what being a stay at home mom looks like for me. I'm formulating the job description, trying to nail down the duties and expectations. None of my friends are stay at home mom writers, but I've met some over the years. When I think of writers I admire who are also stay at home mothers, I think of Karen Joy Fowler, whom I saw speak at the Community of Writers in 2018. She shared that when she first had her writing published, she was advised by another writer friend not to say she was a homemaker when attending professional events. 

"Why?" Fowler remembered asking, "I'm proud to be a homemaker." 

Her friend replied, "Well, it's just that your house isn't that clean…"

As I write this, I am acutely aware of how dirty my house is. Dusty. Cluttered. Stained. Clean dishes haven't been put away. Cardboard boxes are piling up in the corner of my kitchen. All the bed sheets need washing. Dog and cat hair gather in every corner. They're not dust bunnies. They're dust clots. Dust tumbleweeds. 

When my husband went back to work and I started to spend more time at home alone with our newborn, I became acutely aware of how rapidly dust accumulated in our place. Sure, we have two long-haired dogs and a long-haired cat, but still, dust regenerated at a rate that I felt warranted scientific study. Something had to be done.

My husband and I don't want to follow the traditional model where I take on all of the domestic labor. However, because I'm home all the time, it only seems fair I take on more of the domestic labor than I did before when we were both working 9 to 5s. I decided I should defeat the dust. I started with dusting once a week. Not enough. Twice a week? Nope. Increasing the frequency of my cleaning did not reduce how often I noticed mess. In fact, the opposite seemed true. I'd do a lap with a dust mop and by the time I was done, I would catch sight of more dust whispering out from under the couch. More crumbs scattered under the kitchen table. Like they snuck out when I had my back turned. I told my husband I was beginning to suspect I needed to clean every room every day. 

Then, I remembered this quote:

“I've seen women insist on cleaning everything in the house before they could sit down to write... and you know it's a funny thing about housecleaning... it never comes to an end. Perfect way to stop a woman. A woman must be careful to not allow over-responsibility (or over-respectability) to steal her necessary creative rests, riffs, and raptures. She simply must put her foot down and say no to half of what she believes she "should" be doing. Art is not meant to be created in stolen moments only.”

― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

When is a house clean enough? When it's spotless? When it looks like nobody lives in the house? This is an effective strategy to devalue housework, isn't it? To say that if the result is not perfect, it's worthless. It might as well not have been done. As though the cleaning person's effort comes with no cost and therefore can be redone and redone until it meets impossible standards. 

Wait, I thought as I pondered this, why does this reasoning feel so familiar?

In the first year of my MFA program, my professor Goldberry Long led a class focused on the revision process. Quickly I surmised that her ultimate goal was to help each of us discover and fortify our own writing process – or, in simpler terms, to get us writing and keep us writing. She introduced a system that she swore by. She broke her daily writing goals into three categories: Must Do, May Do, Wish Do. 

MUST DO

an extremely achievable writing goal. A writing goal you know you can accomplish every day, no matter what happens.

MAY DO 

a writing goal you can achieve on a pretty good day. You would like to do this every day, but if you have a tough day, you may not get to it.

WISH DO

a writing goal you can achieve on an ideal day – no plans or distractions. Just you and the blank page. 

In teaching us this system, Goldberry's biggest obstacle was not the May Dos or the Wish Dos. No, instead, she spent most of the class begging us to drastically reduce our Must Do goals. 

One of us would suggest, "Write a page a day!" 

She'd respond, "Too big. Go smaller. It should be something so minuscule, you'll be shocked if you can't do it. Write a single sentence! Go into the document and change one thing — even if it’s a comma!”

She explained that the point of this system was to prevent us from giving up. And the most common reason writers gave up was because they set unrealistic goals for themselves, became discouraged when they didn't meet these goals, and then allowed this discouragement to bloom into defeat. 

The most important thing I took from grad school was a pathological avoidance of perfectionism. Elizabeth Gilbert put it best when she recommended becoming "a deeply disciplined half-ass" in Big Magic. Have I been guilty of sending prose out into the world when it was too nascent and unpolished? Absolutely. But I rather have made this mistake than have never sent out anything. I've witnessed perfectionism thwart the most talented writers I've ever met. It is that serious.

Last year, I wrote a novel while working my 9 to 5. I did it by writing at least 1,000 words a day. Most days, the words I wrote were ghastly. But I kept going because my goal was 1,000 words a day. Not 1,000 good words a day. (I literally don’t think I could do 1,000 good words a day…)

I also kept going because sometimes, every week or so, there was a day where I felt like I was onto something. I resigned to this exchange: If I tolerated enough days of slogging through mediocrity, I would receive a day where I was pleased with what came out on the page. 

So I'm applying this approach to cleaning. The goal is not spotlessness. The goal is to just run the dust mop along the ground. Turn on the vacuum and take it on a tour of the room. So there's some dust left behind. That doesn’t mean I didn’t clean. That doesn't mean I failed. Because there’s no winning in cleaning. I’ll never clean so well I won’t need to clean again in a couple days (read: hours). 

Just like I’ll never write something so perfect, I’ll never need to write again. 

Just like I’ll never mother so perfectly that I won’t need to mother anymore. 

My therapist often reminds me of Donald Winnicott's philosophy about the "good-enough mother." I hold this idea like a rosary in my darkest moments.

Pinterest presented me with this meme the other day.

I tried to be like "haha" and scroll on, but the meme caught in my throat. Unfortunately, you will see me dead before you see me hopeless. I've got a little ember of maybe tomorrow will be better in my heart that can't be stamped out.

In the second year of my MFA program, I taught two creative writing workshops for undergrads. Like Goldberry, the most important lesson I wanted to impart was: figure out how to start writing and never stop. I told them that before they turned in their workshop submissions, they should hold up the pages up and say, "This is not me. This is just something I wrote yesterday. I can always write something new and better." 

Maybe that's what I love about mothering, writing, cleaning. They keep the promise of tomorrow crackling inside me. Maybe tomorrow I'll defeat the dust. Maybe tomorrow my house will be clean. 

Hey y'all,

As a perk of being a paid subscriber, you can get 30% off the brand new Bindery merch! My hat just came in and it is so comfy. Use code BINDERYINSIDER for 30% off from 8/27-9/1.

XoXo,

Rae